BFN

I wrote this on my personal blog pretty soon after we found out we weren't pregnant. The feelings were so raw and harsh. I still feel that way, some days I am sad, some I am angry, and some I am ok. I think the sting is wearing off a bit though, for which I am very grateful.

It didn't work. Even typing that is hard. I had such hopes that this IVF cycle would work. Cody and I spent time talking about baby names, I got lost browsing baby related pins on pinterest, hoping I would be using the advise/ideas soon. I started some bleeding the Saturday before our Tuesday test, and I just thought "really? now? after all this?" I hoped it might go away, but it didn't, it just got worse. I called my doctor and was told that many women bleed during pregnancy, it is fine. But I know my body pretty well by now, this wasn't fine. 
Even though I "knew" I wasn't pregnant, I still had this tiny sliver of hope that maybe it was just some other issue and I was pregnant. That phone call was so hard. To actually hear that "I'm sorry but your results came back negative" was a knife to the gut. Side note, I feel sorry for the nurses who have to deliver that news every day. 
I took off work and spent the rest of the day crying pretty much. As I was driving by my mum's office, I gave her a call, I needed a mum hug. She came and visited with me, which was really nice. The next day I was just angry. Why didn't it work? Why would God tell me (like, all people in general) to have kids if he won't let me? Why can some people who are terrible parents have kids and I can't? So much sadness and anger, it was a rough day too. I am feeling fine now, still sad of course, but I think the Lord has blessed me with a measure of peace. Not "I'm feeling awesome" but just a general feeling of calm. 
I want to thank everyone who has been so supportive of us through all this. It hasn't been easy and I am so blessed with family and friends who have been so supportive. When I think about the prayers that have been offered in our behalf I am amazed and humbled. 
So thank you everyone, thanks for the meals, the flowers, the prayers, the good vibes, the texts, the plush uterus. All of it. I don't feel I can express enough how much all of it has meant to me. 
We will keep going, keep trying. I guess. I don't understand why and I am not very patient. I guess we will keep trying until we feel we are done trying and take it from there. 

Excited? Yes. Terrified? YES!!!!

Wrote this a few weeks ago, didn't publish it yet.

We have our IVF schedule. Wow. I have had a couple of weeks to process it all and I am still terrified. I got a call from the pharmacy where my meds will come from and when she was reading out all that I would need it just seemed like the list kept going and going. I just started crying and trying to talk to her and not sound like I was crying.
But I am excited at the possibility of having a baby, just not the process.

Another month, another BFN (big fat negative)

So, no luck this month. I don't know if I am just handling it really well, or if it is because I am just used to this by now, or if I have lost all hope, but I am really feeling fine. I kind of feel like infertility is just a huge part of who I am, I wouldn't know what to do if I actually got pregnant. I think we are going to jump ahead to IVF in January. I am scared, excited, mostly scared. I am so blessed to have people in my life I can talk to about all this stuff. So the next few months will be focused on the holidays and family and trying not to gain 50 lbs from all the holiday treats :)

Back in the saddle again

We are back to it! I have met with my doctor and we are starting treatments again. It feels like it is time again. Cody got a new job that covers infertility treatments, which is a miracle, so we decided that was a sign that it is time to get going. Right now we are in the middle of an IUI cycle. I am excited and nervous all at the same time. I want this to work, and if it doesn't then we have to start making some hard decisions. But I feel good about starting up treatments again, so that has to be a good sign, right? Hopefully good stuff is coming for us! I appreciate everyone's prayers, fasting, good vibes, etc. It is amazing to me how many people care about me and Cody. :)

This is getting real

I called my doctor's office the other day and talked about timelines for IVF. It is all coming up sooner than I thought. It is getting real. We have been saving for so long and I have always been "working" on losing weight, but not taking it too seriously. Or I would, but it would be in spurts. But now, I only have a few months until this might be a reality. I need to get working! I have changed my work schedule so I can workout, that is going well (most weeks). I have really just decided that I need to count calories again. Ugh. It is a chore! But I am 2 days in now and doing ok. It is so easy to just mindlessly eat. Cody is such a help in cooking at night, that is when I have used up all of my willpower for the day. He cooks and I can stay out of the the kitchen and temptation. I am working on it! I can do this! Yay! Positive thinking! :)

10K here I come!

I am doing it! I signed up for the 10k in October in Park City! I need to start training for sure, but I feel like the 10k is a goal I can achieve. I have run this race before, but the Half Marathon, it was lovely, but brutal. It started snowing at the beginning of the race. Cold cold cold. I am feeling good about the 10k. 
I have "fallen off the wagon" with my weight loss, but I recently have changed my work schedule to work an hour later in the day, so I can work out in the morning. If I get that workout in I feel I can make better food choices during the day. I have done this for 2 weeks now and have gotten a workout in at least 4 times a week. Compared to my practically 0 days a week, I am feeling pretty dang good about 4 :) 
My goals for this week have been not weighing myself every day (done good so far, only weighed in on Monday) and working out every day (3 for 3!). Starting small people, starting small :) 

The Scale

I haven't stepped on my scale for over a week. I know, that doesn't sound like a long time. But for me it is. Every morning I step on the scale and wait for it to tell me how I should feel about myself and my body today. Judging me for what I ate yesterday or how I didn't work out. I feel long ago I have given up control of my morning mood to my scale. 

I have been in the process of moving and work trips. I haven't even thought about finding my scale. It just hit me today that I haven't weighed in for a while and I am curious and proud at the same time. I have decided my own mood (ok, besides the anxiety from moving, that is kind of taking over right now) and I don't wait for the scale to tell me. I wonder what I weigh. Did I eat too much on my trips? Has all my stressing lead to some weight dropped? Curious. But another part of me is curious how I would feel if I just chucked my scale. I kind of know I won't, just cause I have a number I am shooting for from my doctor, but I don't think I would be brave enough anyways. I admire people who can eliminate things from their lives that aren't bringing them joy, but my obsessive need to know and worrying would drive me more crazy than a number on the scale would I think. But this hiatus has taught me that I won't break apart if I don't know what I weigh. I won't be thinking about it constantly or worrying about it. I will just go about my day trying to make healthy choices and then not judging myself each morning for the previous day. I can do that. I can let go, take breaks, weigh in occasionally, love myself and my body for what it can do! 

I can find balance.