Lets get real

Funny thing, I put this title in and didn't write anything, now I don't know what I meant by that. Oh well.
Lets get real though, fo realz.
This sucks.
The ultrasounds (who wants an ultrasound wand shoved up against their cervix, and are then told to relax ?!?!), the blood draws where they can't find a "good" vein, the waiting, the hoping, the not hoping too much so you don't get depressed, getting depressed anyways, beating myself up because I haven't lost the weight and if I lost the weight I would be pregnant already, the finding out people are pregnant by "accident", and my list goes on and on.
This just sucks.

Motivation is a funny thing

Gah, its so hard to be motivated to eat well! That is really what is hanging me up right now, focusing on losing weight. I could go into all kinds of possible reasons, but lets be honest, probably a better place would be in counseling :P But. Have you heard the saying "if you want something bad enough you will make it happen" or many things along those lines. Yeah, I get stuck on that, so why can't I just lose weight if I really want a baby? I do want to have kids, but losing weight is really hard for me. So does that mean I don't really want kids? You see how hearing that message messes with my head?! So, I am trying to figure all this out, I don't have any profound thoughts and I am just writing therapeutically  more than anything. I want to figure all this out. I feel like I have been trying for 20 years, so it is hard to put it all together. I am waiting for some big "ah-ha" moment where I figure it all out, everything changes, and all my dreams come true. Ha. Keep dreaming Becca...

In it Together

Even though things are hard, the bright spot is that I have Cody with me all the time. We are in this together. Before we even knew our IVF didn't work, we have started together to focus on eating better and counting our calories. So far it is working! I have lost about 5 lbs and keep moving the right direction. It helps that I have Cody to help me out and keep me motivated. We are excited for each other's successes and help each other out when we aren't so successful. We use My Fitness Pal, which works great. There are a few things I would change, but not much. Accountability is key to success, and now I have Cody and the numbers looking at me each day, so will keep this up. I heard somewhere that it takes people 7 times of relapsing to finally quit something (smoking, drinking, drugs, etc.). I know I am on about my 50th time of dieting, but that's ok, because each time I learn a little more and try a little harder.  

BFN

I wrote this on my personal blog pretty soon after we found out we weren't pregnant. The feelings were so raw and harsh. I still feel that way, some days I am sad, some I am angry, and some I am ok. I think the sting is wearing off a bit though, for which I am very grateful.

It didn't work. Even typing that is hard. I had such hopes that this IVF cycle would work. Cody and I spent time talking about baby names, I got lost browsing baby related pins on pinterest, hoping I would be using the advise/ideas soon. I started some bleeding the Saturday before our Tuesday test, and I just thought "really? now? after all this?" I hoped it might go away, but it didn't, it just got worse. I called my doctor and was told that many women bleed during pregnancy, it is fine. But I know my body pretty well by now, this wasn't fine. 
Even though I "knew" I wasn't pregnant, I still had this tiny sliver of hope that maybe it was just some other issue and I was pregnant. That phone call was so hard. To actually hear that "I'm sorry but your results came back negative" was a knife to the gut. Side note, I feel sorry for the nurses who have to deliver that news every day. 
I took off work and spent the rest of the day crying pretty much. As I was driving by my mum's office, I gave her a call, I needed a mum hug. She came and visited with me, which was really nice. The next day I was just angry. Why didn't it work? Why would God tell me (like, all people in general) to have kids if he won't let me? Why can some people who are terrible parents have kids and I can't? So much sadness and anger, it was a rough day too. I am feeling fine now, still sad of course, but I think the Lord has blessed me with a measure of peace. Not "I'm feeling awesome" but just a general feeling of calm. 
I want to thank everyone who has been so supportive of us through all this. It hasn't been easy and I am so blessed with family and friends who have been so supportive. When I think about the prayers that have been offered in our behalf I am amazed and humbled. 
So thank you everyone, thanks for the meals, the flowers, the prayers, the good vibes, the texts, the plush uterus. All of it. I don't feel I can express enough how much all of it has meant to me. 
We will keep going, keep trying. I guess. I don't understand why and I am not very patient. I guess we will keep trying until we feel we are done trying and take it from there. 

Excited? Yes. Terrified? YES!!!!

Wrote this a few weeks ago, didn't publish it yet.

We have our IVF schedule. Wow. I have had a couple of weeks to process it all and I am still terrified. I got a call from the pharmacy where my meds will come from and when she was reading out all that I would need it just seemed like the list kept going and going. I just started crying and trying to talk to her and not sound like I was crying.
But I am excited at the possibility of having a baby, just not the process.

Another month, another BFN (big fat negative)

So, no luck this month. I don't know if I am just handling it really well, or if it is because I am just used to this by now, or if I have lost all hope, but I am really feeling fine. I kind of feel like infertility is just a huge part of who I am, I wouldn't know what to do if I actually got pregnant. I think we are going to jump ahead to IVF in January. I am scared, excited, mostly scared. I am so blessed to have people in my life I can talk to about all this stuff. So the next few months will be focused on the holidays and family and trying not to gain 50 lbs from all the holiday treats :)

Back in the saddle again

We are back to it! I have met with my doctor and we are starting treatments again. It feels like it is time again. Cody got a new job that covers infertility treatments, which is a miracle, so we decided that was a sign that it is time to get going. Right now we are in the middle of an IUI cycle. I am excited and nervous all at the same time. I want this to work, and if it doesn't then we have to start making some hard decisions. But I feel good about starting up treatments again, so that has to be a good sign, right? Hopefully good stuff is coming for us! I appreciate everyone's prayers, fasting, good vibes, etc. It is amazing to me how many people care about me and Cody. :)