No Excuses

Working out has been difficult for me. I don't like driving all the way to the gym, I can't make it to the classes I like, I feel uncomfortable sometimes, excuses excuses excuses. On Saturday we got the final piece to my home gym, we bought a treadmill! Yay! I am really excited about it. I now have everything I need to get awesome workouts at home (4 sets of weights, exercise ball, yoga gear, fitnessblender, and now a treadmill) so no excuse not to workout every day. Awesome and kind of scary. 

Update: So, over the holidays I gained 10lbs (yikes!) but I have lost 4 of it! My goal is to be down to my starting weight by Valentine's Day, and I am feeling good about making that goal a reality. 

Progress, or lack thereof

I look at that tracker on this blog and I get sad. 0 pounds lost. I actually have gained 6 lbs over the holidays, so I am glad the tracker doesn't reflect that. I still have a lot of work to do and I think a lot of it will be mental. I have been bigger my whole life, so I don't have a "goal" picture of me looking hot in a bikini or anything (I had a YW leader who used a pic of her like at as motivation). I am at the heaviest I have ever been, so that sucks. I have known that when I am really stressed or right before my cycle starts (sorry, tmi) I have a lot of trouble with willpower. I am focusing so much on trying not to slip into depression or letting my anxiety take over that the last thing I want to worry about is working out or logging my calories. And since these things have yet to become a positive habit, it is still a chore for me. Chocolate makes things better, at least for a little bit, is what I tell myself when I am stressed/sad. That cycle is so destructive, I know. I have been it in for years now. Maybe even my whole life. Awareness is the first step, right? Sometimes I doubt myself and ask "do I even have what it takes? Am I just completely lacking in any willpower at all?" I often feel like that part of me is missing, like there is something wrong with me that I can't just put down the chocolate or say no to fries. Fundamentally flawed is how I often feel. And I know that probably stems from other issues, but I think everything is connected, I am a whole person and by helping one aspect I am helping the others. I hope. I don't think that losing weight will make me happy constantly, but I do know that how I feel about myself and my body is tied to how healthy I am which is tied to my mental health and vice versa. This blog post has taken a very different turn from what I thought I was going to write about. I am OK with that. For me, writing is very therapeutic. And so I accept (or try to) my imperfections and glaring flaws and try to do the best I can every day. 

What I was going to write about was a green smoothie challenge I am doing, a smoothie a day for 30 days. I get recipes emailed to me each week, which is good because I don't get too creative with my smoothies. Today's was amazing and I wanted to share the recipe:

COCONUT DREAM |  serves two

2 cups fresh kale (I used a spinach and kale blend)
2 cups coconut milk, unsweetened (I used sweetened...)
1 cup mango
1 cup pineapple
1 banana
2 tablespoons coconut flakes, unsweetened (I didn't have this so just left it out)

I always change recipes, so this is no surprise, but I am sure either way they would be delicious! 

Accentuate the Positive!

Although there are a lot of sucky things I could blog about, this being the week after a holiday full of chocolate, I have decided to write about positive things. Which is the opposite of how I feel like being right now (great article about that here). So, testing this article out, here goes. 
I love that I have been eating pomegranate arils from my stocking pom. 
I had a great time being with my family for Christmas!
I have made a plan for this week for working out and will be ok with being flexible.
I have a blendtec, thanks to my wonderful husband! I picked it out, but he bought it for me :) Green smoothies here we come!
I have a goal of doing my last IUI cycle in February, so I need to be down at least 10 lbs before I do that. So I have a very short term goal and Cody is on board to encourage and support me!
Ok, the power of suggestion is powerful! I feel better  :) 

Consistancy

I need consistency. I am like a little kid in that way. I didn't log since I have been sick and now it is like so hard to do and I don't want to anymore. What happened?!? I know I am super unmotivated when I am sick, but I need the every day effort and consistency to keep me going. Stick to it Becca! You can do this! Done with the self pep talk now :)

To Share or Not to Share

That's a good question. I have been thinking about that for a while. I started this blog and vacillated between sharing this with my friends and family or just keeping it to myself. Somehow my cousin found it (how did you find it Kellie?) and that got me thinking maybe I should share it? But then the other part of me thinks, who cares? I am writing these things for myself more than anything, but would having the extra support help? Would it just make me feel worse cause I would just start worrying about how many posts I put up or how many people have actually read them? It is interesting how the writing voice changes when I know people are reading. And I don't want that to happen, I want this to be a place where I can just write and be honest and open and sucky and wonderful or "whatever I want to write, gosh!" The question is do I want everyone to read my honest, open, sucky, wonderful stuff?












Sigh. I will keep thinking...

Fire...or more like a little match flame

Days off are therapeutic. 

I had just such a day last week that seemed to light a (little) fire in me. I have been struggling since I started this journey (for the umpteenth time) and had gained 6 pounds over my starting weight in a matter of a few weeks. Gah! That is a normal thing for me though, to gain weight really quickly and lose is super slowly. Anyways, I took the day off and I got so many things done it was amazing for me. It seemed like so many things just clicked that day: I read my cousin's blog, she is also dealing with PCOS and I was just super proud of her for her achievements. I logged all my food, I took a walk, got all my points on my Misfit Flash (I love my Flash!) and just had a really great day. It is like something clicked. I don't know what, but I have been doing well since then. Yes, I know today is only Monday, but to go 3 days straight logging food is like a miracle for me. Especially over the weekend. And I feel different about it, like I am in a better place emotionally. I haven't been looking at this as a chore, but something I want to do. If I go over my calories,  THAT'S OK!! That has been a hard thing for me to grasp, I am kind of a perfectionist. I am working on being more forgiving to myself and more patient (a skill I am sorely lacking). 
Over those three days I have "lost" three pounds! I am sure water weight has a lot to do with it, but it is better to see the scale going in a downward direction. My goal is to be back to my starting weight by the end of this week and keep on going from there!

I don't know what made that Friday different, but something did. I now have a little flame. It might not be much, but I will take it. 

Setbacks

Dang Thanksgiving and Disneyland. I am now OVER my starting weight, gah! It is so super discouraging when I make the choices that lead to this outcome. And I can't blame Disneyland or Thanksgiving (both wonderful things) for my poor choices and attitudes. When I have setbacks like this, my usual way of dealing with it is to give up. I don't like doing hard things. So...yeah, this losing weight thing sucks. It is hard to get back on track and not get discouraged at how far I have to go. And I know, I should look at how far I have come and focus on the positive. But that doesn't come naturally to me. So along with focusing on losing weight I need to focus on my mental health as well. Too much to focus on it seems. How does one prioritize? What comes first?