Exposed

I have now put my blog out into the world. I have opened up my failures and fears for anyone who is going through this journey (and people who aren't too I guess). I sure hope I have more successes to share, but I still want this to be a place I can just process what I am feeling, what I am going through, and how I am striving. I want to be the same support for others as well. It is so helpful to talk with other people who have struggled with infertility or PCOS because I feel they can understand me in a way that others can't. I appreciate everyone though who is supporting me on this journey and is helping in any way they can. I feel so blessed to have amazing people in my life!

Girl Scout Cookies...

... Satan get behind me!!! (from The Curious Savage)

On the Road again

Just checking in (with whom? Myself mostly) and I am doing well! I know this is not a big deal to, well pretty much anyone, but it is a huge deal to me that I have logged my food for the last 2 days and stayed within 100 cals of my limit! I have logged for a while now, but have always gone way over. It is the dinner thing, I am getting better! Cody is a big help, I tell him how many calories I have left in the day before I come home and he helps remind me to be careful so I don't go over. What a stud. 
I have "lost" 1.6 lbs in the last few days, but I am sure it is just water weight, but it still makes me feel good, like I am finally on track. I still have several pounds (5) to get back to my starting weight, but I am feelin' good! I can actually see the hope of getting to my goal of 10% lost before Disneyland. Which feels good :)

What is your weakness?

Do you have something that just gets the best of you all the time? For me it is always sugar (but maybe I will post something on that later) but recently I have been frustrated with dinner. I am really good all day long at logging calories, eating healthy (ish) foods, trying to maintain a calorie count. But it seems like late afternoon and evening I have used up all of my food willpower and I cave to cravings and buy myself something unhealthy at work. Or I will hold out until dinner and then eat a ton of food that I don't even need. I just feel my energy/willpower is depleted. Do I need to eat more during the day? (I feel I have sort of tried this, but I still eat the same amount at night). Do I not worry as much with my breakfast and lunch and focus my food (or not eating food) willpower on dinner time? Sigh. Well, this is just another thing to figure out on my journey. 

Giving up

Yesterday was a bad day. I weighed in and had gained two pounds! I yelled and cried and told Cody I was done. I have been fighting this battle for 20 years and I am tired. Just exhausted of this back and forth, always thinking about what I am eating and if I am working out enough and then beating myself up for not doing those things. I am just tired. I don't want to fight anymore. For what? It is hard to see what is in front of me because I don't know. I don't know what it is like to be ueber healthy and skinny. No clue. I just want to give up and just no care anymore. 
But I can't. 
Because eventually I will feel the way I felt when I started this blog. I need to do this. I have to do this. I don't know if I will succeed. 
But I have to try. 

No Excuses

Working out has been difficult for me. I don't like driving all the way to the gym, I can't make it to the classes I like, I feel uncomfortable sometimes, excuses excuses excuses. On Saturday we got the final piece to my home gym, we bought a treadmill! Yay! I am really excited about it. I now have everything I need to get awesome workouts at home (4 sets of weights, exercise ball, yoga gear, fitnessblender, and now a treadmill) so no excuse not to workout every day. Awesome and kind of scary. 

Update: So, over the holidays I gained 10lbs (yikes!) but I have lost 4 of it! My goal is to be down to my starting weight by Valentine's Day, and I am feeling good about making that goal a reality. 

Progress, or lack thereof

I look at that tracker on this blog and I get sad. 0 pounds lost. I actually have gained 6 lbs over the holidays, so I am glad the tracker doesn't reflect that. I still have a lot of work to do and I think a lot of it will be mental. I have been bigger my whole life, so I don't have a "goal" picture of me looking hot in a bikini or anything (I had a YW leader who used a pic of her like at as motivation). I am at the heaviest I have ever been, so that sucks. I have known that when I am really stressed or right before my cycle starts (sorry, tmi) I have a lot of trouble with willpower. I am focusing so much on trying not to slip into depression or letting my anxiety take over that the last thing I want to worry about is working out or logging my calories. And since these things have yet to become a positive habit, it is still a chore for me. Chocolate makes things better, at least for a little bit, is what I tell myself when I am stressed/sad. That cycle is so destructive, I know. I have been it in for years now. Maybe even my whole life. Awareness is the first step, right? Sometimes I doubt myself and ask "do I even have what it takes? Am I just completely lacking in any willpower at all?" I often feel like that part of me is missing, like there is something wrong with me that I can't just put down the chocolate or say no to fries. Fundamentally flawed is how I often feel. And I know that probably stems from other issues, but I think everything is connected, I am a whole person and by helping one aspect I am helping the others. I hope. I don't think that losing weight will make me happy constantly, but I do know that how I feel about myself and my body is tied to how healthy I am which is tied to my mental health and vice versa. This blog post has taken a very different turn from what I thought I was going to write about. I am OK with that. For me, writing is very therapeutic. And so I accept (or try to) my imperfections and glaring flaws and try to do the best I can every day. 

What I was going to write about was a green smoothie challenge I am doing, a smoothie a day for 30 days. I get recipes emailed to me each week, which is good because I don't get too creative with my smoothies. Today's was amazing and I wanted to share the recipe:

COCONUT DREAM |  serves two

2 cups fresh kale (I used a spinach and kale blend)
2 cups coconut milk, unsweetened (I used sweetened...)
1 cup mango
1 cup pineapple
1 banana
2 tablespoons coconut flakes, unsweetened (I didn't have this so just left it out)

I always change recipes, so this is no surprise, but I am sure either way they would be delicious!