My feelings on dieting

A friend of mine posted this on Facebook and I got a kick out of it. I feel the same way! I have tried diets and stuck with them for a week or so, but never maintain. The latest thing I did that I stuck with longer than anything I have ever stuck with was the 30 day green smoothie challenge from Simple Green Smoothies. I really loved the recipes and Cody actually drank them too! I don't think we made it to the whole 30 days, there were a few at the end we missed cause we just got busy in the morning, but I am amazed at how well we stuck with it. Delish. 
I am working on just trying to add more fruits and veg to my diet, eating whole grains, keeping carbs low cause of PCOS. But yes, I still eat cupcakes (my sister just brought me one she made, blackberry lemon, yum!) and yes I bought girl scout cookies. And I am learning to be OK with that. I am learning to accept my choices and not have a breakdown or hate myself every time I have a treat. So, yes, being on a diet is like riding on a bike on fire. :) But eating well is like riding a unicycle on a rainbow (that sounds nice, right?).

Patience and Faith

I read this article today about having faith "when God makes you wait" (the title of the article). It gives biblical examples of people who had to wait. Lots and lots of waiting. Here are some of the words that I really liked:

“See… sometimes the waiting period of our lives is the most 
important time in our life.
It is during this period when nothing seems to be happening, when 
prayers seem to go unanswered, when God seems so far away that 
the most spiritual growth takes place in our lives. That we learn to 
become more like Him.
It is during this time that we build spiritual “muscle”.
That we grow in faith.
That we learn to only depend on Him.”

I am still working on this part.

“I want to remind you that God is not deaf to your prayers.

He is not blind to your constant tears, to your desires, and to your needs.

IF He is making you wait, there is a very good reason for it.

Wherever you are at today know that God is right beside you and that there is a purpose for you. Even if that purpose is to wait.”

Sometimes I do feel like I have fasted and prayed so much and others have for me and Cody and it is falling on deaf ears. I know that sounds horrible, but when I am truly discouraged, that is how I feel. I am not the most patient person in the world, so this idea of waiting doesn't come very easily for me.

“Don’t give up just because you don’t see anything happening today.

Maybe there is nothing physically happening that your eyes can see but there is definitely something happening in the spiritual realm as you learn to rely on Christ.

Don’t allow your waiting period to make you hopeless about what tomorrow will bring.

Instead, let it build your faith and give you even greater hope for what God has prepared for you.

He made some of the greatest men of faith wait.

Don’t be discouraged if He makes you wait as well.

He will come through for you, just like He came through for them.”

I am working on trying to understand (even just a little bit) about what might be in store for me. It might be to never have biological children. It might be to adopt. It might be to never have children. I don’t know, that that is always the hardest part. I am working on having faith, not that I will have kids someday, but that whatever happens, kids or not, that the Lord loves me and has a plan for my life. It might not be the same as mine, but I can still have faith that He loves me and hears me.

Exposed

I have now put my blog out into the world. I have opened up my failures and fears for anyone who is going through this journey (and people who aren't too I guess). I sure hope I have more successes to share, but I still want this to be a place I can just process what I am feeling, what I am going through, and how I am striving. I want to be the same support for others as well. It is so helpful to talk with other people who have struggled with infertility or PCOS because I feel they can understand me in a way that others can't. I appreciate everyone though who is supporting me on this journey and is helping in any way they can. I feel so blessed to have amazing people in my life!

Girl Scout Cookies...

... Satan get behind me!!! (from The Curious Savage)

On the Road again

Just checking in (with whom? Myself mostly) and I am doing well! I know this is not a big deal to, well pretty much anyone, but it is a huge deal to me that I have logged my food for the last 2 days and stayed within 100 cals of my limit! I have logged for a while now, but have always gone way over. It is the dinner thing, I am getting better! Cody is a big help, I tell him how many calories I have left in the day before I come home and he helps remind me to be careful so I don't go over. What a stud. 
I have "lost" 1.6 lbs in the last few days, but I am sure it is just water weight, but it still makes me feel good, like I am finally on track. I still have several pounds (5) to get back to my starting weight, but I am feelin' good! I can actually see the hope of getting to my goal of 10% lost before Disneyland. Which feels good :)

What is your weakness?

Do you have something that just gets the best of you all the time? For me it is always sugar (but maybe I will post something on that later) but recently I have been frustrated with dinner. I am really good all day long at logging calories, eating healthy (ish) foods, trying to maintain a calorie count. But it seems like late afternoon and evening I have used up all of my food willpower and I cave to cravings and buy myself something unhealthy at work. Or I will hold out until dinner and then eat a ton of food that I don't even need. I just feel my energy/willpower is depleted. Do I need to eat more during the day? (I feel I have sort of tried this, but I still eat the same amount at night). Do I not worry as much with my breakfast and lunch and focus my food (or not eating food) willpower on dinner time? Sigh. Well, this is just another thing to figure out on my journey. 

Giving up

Yesterday was a bad day. I weighed in and had gained two pounds! I yelled and cried and told Cody I was done. I have been fighting this battle for 20 years and I am tired. Just exhausted of this back and forth, always thinking about what I am eating and if I am working out enough and then beating myself up for not doing those things. I am just tired. I don't want to fight anymore. For what? It is hard to see what is in front of me because I don't know. I don't know what it is like to be ueber healthy and skinny. No clue. I just want to give up and just no care anymore. 
But I can't. 
Because eventually I will feel the way I felt when I started this blog. I need to do this. I have to do this. I don't know if I will succeed. 
But I have to try.