This is getting real

I called my doctor's office the other day and talked about timelines for IVF. It is all coming up sooner than I thought. It is getting real. We have been saving for so long and I have always been "working" on losing weight, but not taking it too seriously. Or I would, but it would be in spurts. But now, I only have a few months until this might be a reality. I need to get working! I have changed my work schedule so I can workout, that is going well (most weeks). I have really just decided that I need to count calories again. Ugh. It is a chore! But I am 2 days in now and doing ok. It is so easy to just mindlessly eat. Cody is such a help in cooking at night, that is when I have used up all of my willpower for the day. He cooks and I can stay out of the the kitchen and temptation. I am working on it! I can do this! Yay! Positive thinking! :)

10K here I come!

I am doing it! I signed up for the 10k in October in Park City! I need to start training for sure, but I feel like the 10k is a goal I can achieve. I have run this race before, but the Half Marathon, it was lovely, but brutal. It started snowing at the beginning of the race. Cold cold cold. I am feeling good about the 10k. 
I have "fallen off the wagon" with my weight loss, but I recently have changed my work schedule to work an hour later in the day, so I can work out in the morning. If I get that workout in I feel I can make better food choices during the day. I have done this for 2 weeks now and have gotten a workout in at least 4 times a week. Compared to my practically 0 days a week, I am feeling pretty dang good about 4 :) 
My goals for this week have been not weighing myself every day (done good so far, only weighed in on Monday) and working out every day (3 for 3!). Starting small people, starting small :) 

The Scale

I haven't stepped on my scale for over a week. I know, that doesn't sound like a long time. But for me it is. Every morning I step on the scale and wait for it to tell me how I should feel about myself and my body today. Judging me for what I ate yesterday or how I didn't work out. I feel long ago I have given up control of my morning mood to my scale. 

I have been in the process of moving and work trips. I haven't even thought about finding my scale. It just hit me today that I haven't weighed in for a while and I am curious and proud at the same time. I have decided my own mood (ok, besides the anxiety from moving, that is kind of taking over right now) and I don't wait for the scale to tell me. I wonder what I weigh. Did I eat too much on my trips? Has all my stressing lead to some weight dropped? Curious. But another part of me is curious how I would feel if I just chucked my scale. I kind of know I won't, just cause I have a number I am shooting for from my doctor, but I don't think I would be brave enough anyways. I admire people who can eliminate things from their lives that aren't bringing them joy, but my obsessive need to know and worrying would drive me more crazy than a number on the scale would I think. But this hiatus has taught me that I won't break apart if I don't know what I weigh. I won't be thinking about it constantly or worrying about it. I will just go about my day trying to make healthy choices and then not judging myself each morning for the previous day. I can do that. I can let go, take breaks, weigh in occasionally, love myself and my body for what it can do! 

I can find balance. 

Starve your Insecurities

My sister Rachael told me about this site called Un-fancy (I am planning on doing the capsule wardrobe, that post will be coming!) and I was browsing through, reading a few things and I came across this quote: 
"There are plenty of things I don’t love about my body, but I refuse to trash talk my own body. That kind of negativity is poison — and totally within my control. The things I tell myself can either feed insecurities or starve them. I choose to starve the little bastards."

Sorry for the language, but FOR REALS!!!! How often do I feed my insecurities? Often. 

Anyone else struggle with feeding insecurities? How do you go to starvation mode?

Mother's Day and Infertility

This year I will be fine. I won't cry or think about what I don't have or feel sorry for myself. I have been telling myself this for weeks in "preparation" for Mother's Day. Anyone who struggles with infertility or doesn't have children for any other reason has probably felt this way. I thought I would be OK. I was OK until we started singing "There is Sunshine in my Soul Today" for the opening song and I just lost it. Good thing Cody had a pack of tissues in his pocket. I think I used most of them. In that moment I did not feel any sunshine in my soul. I just felt longing and sadness. An empty grief. I remember learning about this kind of grief in my schooling, but I can't remember what it was called (looks like my degree is really working out for me :P). But it is a grief for something that you don't have or hasn't happened yet. So you haven't lost anything really, but it is the lack of something that hasn't happened but you want to happen. And there was a baby blessing as well that morning. Man. 
But I had my cry (in front of everyone at church, great) and then I tried to put it aside for the rest of church. It worked mostly, until we were in YW and one of the Laurels taught about prayer and we read the "ask and ye shall receive" verse and I was thinking about that as well. I have asked and asked and worked and worked and nothing. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever have children. Maybe not. I just wish I knew. 
My mum came over for dinner and she always has a way of making me realize how great I have it without even trying to. I am so grateful for her loving kindness to all her children and everyone she comes in contact with. I hope to be half the woman she is someday. She is just amazing. No other way to describe her. It is so interesting to see how she has mothered me and my younger siblings and to see that even though you are awesome, there is still progression and change for the better. I am sure my mum will always keep striving to be better (how does one get better than near perfection? I don't know) and I will continue to learn from her example. 
I am also blessed with a fantastic mother-in-law, who raised an amazing son! I am blessed to have her in my life as well. She is so caring and always ready to help out her children at any time. She loves a good shopping trip (yay! Finally someone who will shop with me!) and has a great time being a mom and grandma. I am blessed with amazing women in my life (mum, mom-in-law, cousins, friends, aunts, grandmas) and am lucky to have amazing role-models to look up to. 
Until the time I am a mother, I will continue to have faith. I will continue to strive to be more like the women I am surrounded by. I will continue to be more like the mother I would like to be someday.

Fear

This is exactly how I feel. I want to continue this infertility journey towards fertility, but if you have gone through this you know the pain and anxiety of every month, every treatment, thinking it will work, then finding out it didn't. Then fearing to start again because you will go through the same cycle of pain and anxiety again. I have two events that I have been wanting to sign up for that could help me along my journey, but I have been afraid to sign-up. Why would I be afraid to do something that could help me get what I want more than anything? 

Here is what has been on my mind:

What if I don't get sponsored, how will I deal with that emotionally?

What if I ask my family and friends to support me and I don't get sponsored, will they be upset or think it was a waste of their time?

What if no one does want to join my team? (ha, back to being a teenager with teenager fears!)

What if I can't finish the races? (the sign-ups are for 5ks)

Now I am going to force myself to look at the other side:

What if I totally rock the 5k and finish in an amazing time?

What if I have so much support I didn't realize I had?

What if we DO get selected for a grant?!?

Why don't I always think like that? 

I think my fears are a protective measure, keeping me from letting myself get hurt. But I will never know if these fears are valid or just holding me back unless I try. 

Anyone else dislike baby showers?

*sigh* that is how I feel every time I get an invite to a baby shower. Ok, note, I am not a horrible person (I don't think I am anyways). I am very happy for people who have babies (I would never wish infertility on anyone (ok, well, maybe some people who really shouldn't have kids, but not the general population)). Anyways. Sometimes I just don't like going to celebrate something that I want so much but don't have. It is really hard emotionally. I used to go to every one I was invited to (and it is a lot, everyone has babies, lots of babies). I would go, be happy, and cry in the car on my way home. Not a happy cycle to be in.
I have finally given myself permission to not go. Not because I don't love people or want them to be happy, I just struggle to be happy while I am there and not think about how much I would like that to be me.
I went to a baby shower for my cousin (I make exceptions for family and close friends) and it was one of the best baby showers I have been to in a long time. Why? Besides the fact that the parents of said baby are awesome and I love them, I spent most of the baby shower talking to my other cousin who is also struggling with infertility. It was so nice to have someone else there who got what I was going through. Who also is working towards the same goals I am. I felt like I had a buddy who got me. I wasn't an outsider who is the only person in the room without a kid. Misery loves company, right? I think it is more than that though. It is a trial I am going through and sometimes I feel very alone. But to have others around me who understand brings comfort and companionship. 
So, for now I will continue to avoid baby showers until it is mine. 
Am I alone in my baby-shower-avoidance?