Fear

This is exactly how I feel. I want to continue this infertility journey towards fertility, but if you have gone through this you know the pain and anxiety of every month, every treatment, thinking it will work, then finding out it didn't. Then fearing to start again because you will go through the same cycle of pain and anxiety again. I have two events that I have been wanting to sign up for that could help me along my journey, but I have been afraid to sign-up. Why would I be afraid to do something that could help me get what I want more than anything? 

Here is what has been on my mind:

What if I don't get sponsored, how will I deal with that emotionally?

What if I ask my family and friends to support me and I don't get sponsored, will they be upset or think it was a waste of their time?

What if no one does want to join my team? (ha, back to being a teenager with teenager fears!)

What if I can't finish the races? (the sign-ups are for 5ks)

Now I am going to force myself to look at the other side:

What if I totally rock the 5k and finish in an amazing time?

What if I have so much support I didn't realize I had?

What if we DO get selected for a grant?!?

Why don't I always think like that? 

I think my fears are a protective measure, keeping me from letting myself get hurt. But I will never know if these fears are valid or just holding me back unless I try. 

Anyone else dislike baby showers?

*sigh* that is how I feel every time I get an invite to a baby shower. Ok, note, I am not a horrible person (I don't think I am anyways). I am very happy for people who have babies (I would never wish infertility on anyone (ok, well, maybe some people who really shouldn't have kids, but not the general population)). Anyways. Sometimes I just don't like going to celebrate something that I want so much but don't have. It is really hard emotionally. I used to go to every one I was invited to (and it is a lot, everyone has babies, lots of babies). I would go, be happy, and cry in the car on my way home. Not a happy cycle to be in.
I have finally given myself permission to not go. Not because I don't love people or want them to be happy, I just struggle to be happy while I am there and not think about how much I would like that to be me.
I went to a baby shower for my cousin (I make exceptions for family and close friends) and it was one of the best baby showers I have been to in a long time. Why? Besides the fact that the parents of said baby are awesome and I love them, I spent most of the baby shower talking to my other cousin who is also struggling with infertility. It was so nice to have someone else there who got what I was going through. Who also is working towards the same goals I am. I felt like I had a buddy who got me. I wasn't an outsider who is the only person in the room without a kid. Misery loves company, right? I think it is more than that though. It is a trial I am going through and sometimes I feel very alone. But to have others around me who understand brings comfort and companionship. 
So, for now I will continue to avoid baby showers until it is mine. 
Am I alone in my baby-shower-avoidance?