Excited? Yes. Terrified? YES!!!!

Wrote this a few weeks ago, didn't publish it yet.

We have our IVF schedule. Wow. I have had a couple of weeks to process it all and I am still terrified. I got a call from the pharmacy where my meds will come from and when she was reading out all that I would need it just seemed like the list kept going and going. I just started crying and trying to talk to her and not sound like I was crying.
But I am excited at the possibility of having a baby, just not the process.

Another month, another BFN (big fat negative)

So, no luck this month. I don't know if I am just handling it really well, or if it is because I am just used to this by now, or if I have lost all hope, but I am really feeling fine. I kind of feel like infertility is just a huge part of who I am, I wouldn't know what to do if I actually got pregnant. I think we are going to jump ahead to IVF in January. I am scared, excited, mostly scared. I am so blessed to have people in my life I can talk to about all this stuff. So the next few months will be focused on the holidays and family and trying not to gain 50 lbs from all the holiday treats :)

Back in the saddle again

We are back to it! I have met with my doctor and we are starting treatments again. It feels like it is time again. Cody got a new job that covers infertility treatments, which is a miracle, so we decided that was a sign that it is time to get going. Right now we are in the middle of an IUI cycle. I am excited and nervous all at the same time. I want this to work, and if it doesn't then we have to start making some hard decisions. But I feel good about starting up treatments again, so that has to be a good sign, right? Hopefully good stuff is coming for us! I appreciate everyone's prayers, fasting, good vibes, etc. It is amazing to me how many people care about me and Cody. :)

This is getting real

I called my doctor's office the other day and talked about timelines for IVF. It is all coming up sooner than I thought. It is getting real. We have been saving for so long and I have always been "working" on losing weight, but not taking it too seriously. Or I would, but it would be in spurts. But now, I only have a few months until this might be a reality. I need to get working! I have changed my work schedule so I can workout, that is going well (most weeks). I have really just decided that I need to count calories again. Ugh. It is a chore! But I am 2 days in now and doing ok. It is so easy to just mindlessly eat. Cody is such a help in cooking at night, that is when I have used up all of my willpower for the day. He cooks and I can stay out of the the kitchen and temptation. I am working on it! I can do this! Yay! Positive thinking! :)

10K here I come!

I am doing it! I signed up for the 10k in October in Park City! I need to start training for sure, but I feel like the 10k is a goal I can achieve. I have run this race before, but the Half Marathon, it was lovely, but brutal. It started snowing at the beginning of the race. Cold cold cold. I am feeling good about the 10k. 
I have "fallen off the wagon" with my weight loss, but I recently have changed my work schedule to work an hour later in the day, so I can work out in the morning. If I get that workout in I feel I can make better food choices during the day. I have done this for 2 weeks now and have gotten a workout in at least 4 times a week. Compared to my practically 0 days a week, I am feeling pretty dang good about 4 :) 
My goals for this week have been not weighing myself every day (done good so far, only weighed in on Monday) and working out every day (3 for 3!). Starting small people, starting small :) 

The Scale

I haven't stepped on my scale for over a week. I know, that doesn't sound like a long time. But for me it is. Every morning I step on the scale and wait for it to tell me how I should feel about myself and my body today. Judging me for what I ate yesterday or how I didn't work out. I feel long ago I have given up control of my morning mood to my scale. 

I have been in the process of moving and work trips. I haven't even thought about finding my scale. It just hit me today that I haven't weighed in for a while and I am curious and proud at the same time. I have decided my own mood (ok, besides the anxiety from moving, that is kind of taking over right now) and I don't wait for the scale to tell me. I wonder what I weigh. Did I eat too much on my trips? Has all my stressing lead to some weight dropped? Curious. But another part of me is curious how I would feel if I just chucked my scale. I kind of know I won't, just cause I have a number I am shooting for from my doctor, but I don't think I would be brave enough anyways. I admire people who can eliminate things from their lives that aren't bringing them joy, but my obsessive need to know and worrying would drive me more crazy than a number on the scale would I think. But this hiatus has taught me that I won't break apart if I don't know what I weigh. I won't be thinking about it constantly or worrying about it. I will just go about my day trying to make healthy choices and then not judging myself each morning for the previous day. I can do that. I can let go, take breaks, weigh in occasionally, love myself and my body for what it can do! 

I can find balance. 

Starve your Insecurities

My sister Rachael told me about this site called Un-fancy (I am planning on doing the capsule wardrobe, that post will be coming!) and I was browsing through, reading a few things and I came across this quote: 
"There are plenty of things I don’t love about my body, but I refuse to trash talk my own body. That kind of negativity is poison — and totally within my control. The things I tell myself can either feed insecurities or starve them. I choose to starve the little bastards."

Sorry for the language, but FOR REALS!!!! How often do I feed my insecurities? Often. 

Anyone else struggle with feeding insecurities? How do you go to starvation mode?

Mother's Day and Infertility

This year I will be fine. I won't cry or think about what I don't have or feel sorry for myself. I have been telling myself this for weeks in "preparation" for Mother's Day. Anyone who struggles with infertility or doesn't have children for any other reason has probably felt this way. I thought I would be OK. I was OK until we started singing "There is Sunshine in my Soul Today" for the opening song and I just lost it. Good thing Cody had a pack of tissues in his pocket. I think I used most of them. In that moment I did not feel any sunshine in my soul. I just felt longing and sadness. An empty grief. I remember learning about this kind of grief in my schooling, but I can't remember what it was called (looks like my degree is really working out for me :P). But it is a grief for something that you don't have or hasn't happened yet. So you haven't lost anything really, but it is the lack of something that hasn't happened but you want to happen. And there was a baby blessing as well that morning. Man. 
But I had my cry (in front of everyone at church, great) and then I tried to put it aside for the rest of church. It worked mostly, until we were in YW and one of the Laurels taught about prayer and we read the "ask and ye shall receive" verse and I was thinking about that as well. I have asked and asked and worked and worked and nothing. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever have children. Maybe not. I just wish I knew. 
My mum came over for dinner and she always has a way of making me realize how great I have it without even trying to. I am so grateful for her loving kindness to all her children and everyone she comes in contact with. I hope to be half the woman she is someday. She is just amazing. No other way to describe her. It is so interesting to see how she has mothered me and my younger siblings and to see that even though you are awesome, there is still progression and change for the better. I am sure my mum will always keep striving to be better (how does one get better than near perfection? I don't know) and I will continue to learn from her example. 
I am also blessed with a fantastic mother-in-law, who raised an amazing son! I am blessed to have her in my life as well. She is so caring and always ready to help out her children at any time. She loves a good shopping trip (yay! Finally someone who will shop with me!) and has a great time being a mom and grandma. I am blessed with amazing women in my life (mum, mom-in-law, cousins, friends, aunts, grandmas) and am lucky to have amazing role-models to look up to. 
Until the time I am a mother, I will continue to have faith. I will continue to strive to be more like the women I am surrounded by. I will continue to be more like the mother I would like to be someday.

Fear

This is exactly how I feel. I want to continue this infertility journey towards fertility, but if you have gone through this you know the pain and anxiety of every month, every treatment, thinking it will work, then finding out it didn't. Then fearing to start again because you will go through the same cycle of pain and anxiety again. I have two events that I have been wanting to sign up for that could help me along my journey, but I have been afraid to sign-up. Why would I be afraid to do something that could help me get what I want more than anything? 

Here is what has been on my mind:

What if I don't get sponsored, how will I deal with that emotionally?

What if I ask my family and friends to support me and I don't get sponsored, will they be upset or think it was a waste of their time?

What if no one does want to join my team? (ha, back to being a teenager with teenager fears!)

What if I can't finish the races? (the sign-ups are for 5ks)

Now I am going to force myself to look at the other side:

What if I totally rock the 5k and finish in an amazing time?

What if I have so much support I didn't realize I had?

What if we DO get selected for a grant?!?

Why don't I always think like that? 

I think my fears are a protective measure, keeping me from letting myself get hurt. But I will never know if these fears are valid or just holding me back unless I try. 

Anyone else dislike baby showers?

*sigh* that is how I feel every time I get an invite to a baby shower. Ok, note, I am not a horrible person (I don't think I am anyways). I am very happy for people who have babies (I would never wish infertility on anyone (ok, well, maybe some people who really shouldn't have kids, but not the general population)). Anyways. Sometimes I just don't like going to celebrate something that I want so much but don't have. It is really hard emotionally. I used to go to every one I was invited to (and it is a lot, everyone has babies, lots of babies). I would go, be happy, and cry in the car on my way home. Not a happy cycle to be in.
I have finally given myself permission to not go. Not because I don't love people or want them to be happy, I just struggle to be happy while I am there and not think about how much I would like that to be me.
I went to a baby shower for my cousin (I make exceptions for family and close friends) and it was one of the best baby showers I have been to in a long time. Why? Besides the fact that the parents of said baby are awesome and I love them, I spent most of the baby shower talking to my other cousin who is also struggling with infertility. It was so nice to have someone else there who got what I was going through. Who also is working towards the same goals I am. I felt like I had a buddy who got me. I wasn't an outsider who is the only person in the room without a kid. Misery loves company, right? I think it is more than that though. It is a trial I am going through and sometimes I feel very alone. But to have others around me who understand brings comfort and companionship. 
So, for now I will continue to avoid baby showers until it is mine. 
Am I alone in my baby-shower-avoidance?

Our Journey

Recently Cody and I applied to be sponsored for our fertility treatments through a non-profit that helps people with infertility issues through treatment or adoption. We had to share our journey thus far and I thought I would share it here, from both perspectives. 
Path according to Becca:

When thinking about our infertility journey, journey doesn’t seem like the best word. Sometimes this feels like an infertility roller coaster! Many ups and downs, times you feel like your stomach is in your throat, and times of excitement.

Cody and I started trying to get pregnant while I was in graduate school back in 2011. We timed it carefully so that I would be pregnant while in school and have a baby right after I graduated. Sounds like a great plan, right? We didn’t expect that our great plan would become a struggle, but it was and so our journey began. After about a year of trying to conceive, we realized something wasn’t working. I am lucky to have a supportive cousin, Heidi. She has also struggled with infertility and recommended I go see her doctor to see what was going on. I put it off for a while, thinking that maybe if I didn’t know, then I could just believe that nothing was wrong. I attended a seminar and it was scary and a relief all at the same time. Some infertility myths were dispelled, which was very comforting, but I also realized that something might be wrong and I needed to start working with a doctor to find out. Over the past two years we have tried many different things: timed intercourse cycles, medication, and IUIs. Early on in the treatments I had one pregnancy that unfortunately ended at five weeks. This broke my heart, but gave me hope that a pregnancy might be possible. We continued treatment with no success. Throughout that time I would take a month off here and there to maintain my emotional health. This whole process is so fraught with emotion and questions and so we do what we can to take care of all aspects of ourselves.

Although we are still struggling with infertility there are many things through this journey that have brought me joy, the most important one being my husband. He has been with me through all of my downs (and there have been a lot) to comfort me and let me cry on his shoulder. He is a “fix-it” man and is always trying to help me succeed in my goals of managing my PCOS and keeping an optimistic attitude. I find joy in being with my family and friends and am trying to reach out to others who are struggling with infertility. I am amazed at the love and support I feel from the people around me. The knowledge that I am not alone and people are hoping and praying for me gives me comfort when it seems to difficult to deal with. The longer I am on this journey, the more I realize how important it is to have a strong support network and reach out to others who are looking for the same thing. I constantly hope and pray that somehow this journey of infertility will end with children, and although I don’t know how or when that will happen, I always try to remain hopeful.

Path according to Cody:

No one ever thinks that they won’t be able to have kids. When we first got married we had a plan that as soon as we were both done with school we would start trying to get pregnant. We both come from different size families and from early on in our relationship we discussed how many kids we wanted to have. After several discussions we decided that 5 kids would make for an amazing family. And, based on when we got married and when we would start trying to get pregnant, 5 kids seemed totally possible.  The longer we kept trying without success though the harder that goal seems to be.

We’ve been trying to get pregnant now for 3 years. After the first year we finally decided to go to a fertility doctor to see if there was something that could be preventing us from getting pregnant.  At the  first visit they found that Becca had PCOS. So, we started trying to get pregnant again but this time there were medications involved that would supposedly help the process along. It seemed like Becca was taking a medication with every meal but we figured that if it would help us get pregnant than it was worth it.

At first, we went through three cycles where we used Clomid and timed intercourse to try to improve our chances. Each month brought new waves of up’s and down’s and there was even one month where the blood test came back saying we were pregnant. But we found out later that Becca actually miscarried after only 5 weeks.  Our doctor saw this is a positive in the thought that at least we know now that we can get pregnant.  For us though it was really hard to see the positive but we kept on trying and did a couple more cycles of Clomid and timed intercourse.

After several failed attempts of trying just Clomid and timed intercourse we moved on to IUI treatments. So far we've tried this twice without any success. At this point we our doctor is willing to try one more cycle of IUI before we move on to IVF. But, we've decided that we have a couple things that we can do that could improve our chances of getting pregnant that we want to do before we continue with the fertility treatments.  We both have set weight goals and exercise goals that we that will put our bodies in a better place in the hopes that it will improve our chances of getting pregnant.  To be honest, it’s not easy.  This has involved a complete change to our lifestyle and there are a lot of things that could still be improved but we keep trying.

If you had asked me 5 years ago what my family would look like right now the answer would have involved at least two kids and hopefully a couple more on the way. But, the sad reality is that things haven’t really worked out like I thought they would. That being said, there is one thing that has not changed. We still really want to have kids and if at all possible we’d still like to have our 5 kids like we planned when we first started off.  

"How come I'm so much buffer than you?"

I love Kid History (watch the full video, it is a funny one)

I read this article the other day about using strength training to treat PCOS naturally and it has some really good points! I know that strength training is helpful, but it was nice to see some of the benefits spelled out. Cody bought me the weights I wanted for Christmas, so I have been doing FitnessBlender weight training and I love them! I can get them done in the morning before I go to work. 

Update: I posted in the previous post about starting fresh and so I don't have a weight or anything, but I finished day 3 today of my couch to 5k! Yay! I almost didn't get my butt off the couch to do it, but I just did and that takes a lot for me. Cody and I have two 5k races planned for this summer (and maybe a half marathon this fall, still thinking about it) so I have to keep on top of a training schedule. 

P.S., I really don't think I am buffer than, well, anyone, but that part of the kid history makes me laugh.  :)

Fresh Start

So. I feel like I need a fresh start. I gained weight over the holidays and between that and realizing how much weight I would have to lose each week to meet my goal, I decided to reevaluate my goals and start fresh. Not totally over, I just added a few months to the end of my goal date and took my weight from where I am right now, not where I was months ago. So I have revamped my "stepping stone" goals and just feel good about moving forward instead of getting depressed about the past.
And if you need it (I sure do), a slew of motivational thoughts about trying again, failing, starting over. 


                                                                      

My feelings on dieting

A friend of mine posted this on Facebook and I got a kick out of it. I feel the same way! I have tried diets and stuck with them for a week or so, but never maintain. The latest thing I did that I stuck with longer than anything I have ever stuck with was the 30 day green smoothie challenge from Simple Green Smoothies. I really loved the recipes and Cody actually drank them too! I don't think we made it to the whole 30 days, there were a few at the end we missed cause we just got busy in the morning, but I am amazed at how well we stuck with it. Delish. 
I am working on just trying to add more fruits and veg to my diet, eating whole grains, keeping carbs low cause of PCOS. But yes, I still eat cupcakes (my sister just brought me one she made, blackberry lemon, yum!) and yes I bought girl scout cookies. And I am learning to be OK with that. I am learning to accept my choices and not have a breakdown or hate myself every time I have a treat. So, yes, being on a diet is like riding on a bike on fire. :) But eating well is like riding a unicycle on a rainbow (that sounds nice, right?).

Patience and Faith

I read this article today about having faith "when God makes you wait" (the title of the article). It gives biblical examples of people who had to wait. Lots and lots of waiting. Here are some of the words that I really liked:

“See… sometimes the waiting period of our lives is the most 
important time in our life.
It is during this period when nothing seems to be happening, when 
prayers seem to go unanswered, when God seems so far away that 
the most spiritual growth takes place in our lives. That we learn to 
become more like Him.
It is during this time that we build spiritual “muscle”.
That we grow in faith.
That we learn to only depend on Him.”

I am still working on this part.

“I want to remind you that God is not deaf to your prayers.

He is not blind to your constant tears, to your desires, and to your needs.

IF He is making you wait, there is a very good reason for it.

Wherever you are at today know that God is right beside you and that there is a purpose for you. Even if that purpose is to wait.”

Sometimes I do feel like I have fasted and prayed so much and others have for me and Cody and it is falling on deaf ears. I know that sounds horrible, but when I am truly discouraged, that is how I feel. I am not the most patient person in the world, so this idea of waiting doesn't come very easily for me.

“Don’t give up just because you don’t see anything happening today.

Maybe there is nothing physically happening that your eyes can see but there is definitely something happening in the spiritual realm as you learn to rely on Christ.

Don’t allow your waiting period to make you hopeless about what tomorrow will bring.

Instead, let it build your faith and give you even greater hope for what God has prepared for you.

He made some of the greatest men of faith wait.

Don’t be discouraged if He makes you wait as well.

He will come through for you, just like He came through for them.”

I am working on trying to understand (even just a little bit) about what might be in store for me. It might be to never have biological children. It might be to adopt. It might be to never have children. I don’t know, that that is always the hardest part. I am working on having faith, not that I will have kids someday, but that whatever happens, kids or not, that the Lord loves me and has a plan for my life. It might not be the same as mine, but I can still have faith that He loves me and hears me.

Exposed

I have now put my blog out into the world. I have opened up my failures and fears for anyone who is going through this journey (and people who aren't too I guess). I sure hope I have more successes to share, but I still want this to be a place I can just process what I am feeling, what I am going through, and how I am striving. I want to be the same support for others as well. It is so helpful to talk with other people who have struggled with infertility or PCOS because I feel they can understand me in a way that others can't. I appreciate everyone though who is supporting me on this journey and is helping in any way they can. I feel so blessed to have amazing people in my life!

Girl Scout Cookies...

... Satan get behind me!!! (from The Curious Savage)

On the Road again

Just checking in (with whom? Myself mostly) and I am doing well! I know this is not a big deal to, well pretty much anyone, but it is a huge deal to me that I have logged my food for the last 2 days and stayed within 100 cals of my limit! I have logged for a while now, but have always gone way over. It is the dinner thing, I am getting better! Cody is a big help, I tell him how many calories I have left in the day before I come home and he helps remind me to be careful so I don't go over. What a stud. 
I have "lost" 1.6 lbs in the last few days, but I am sure it is just water weight, but it still makes me feel good, like I am finally on track. I still have several pounds (5) to get back to my starting weight, but I am feelin' good! I can actually see the hope of getting to my goal of 10% lost before Disneyland. Which feels good :)

What is your weakness?

Do you have something that just gets the best of you all the time? For me it is always sugar (but maybe I will post something on that later) but recently I have been frustrated with dinner. I am really good all day long at logging calories, eating healthy (ish) foods, trying to maintain a calorie count. But it seems like late afternoon and evening I have used up all of my food willpower and I cave to cravings and buy myself something unhealthy at work. Or I will hold out until dinner and then eat a ton of food that I don't even need. I just feel my energy/willpower is depleted. Do I need to eat more during the day? (I feel I have sort of tried this, but I still eat the same amount at night). Do I not worry as much with my breakfast and lunch and focus my food (or not eating food) willpower on dinner time? Sigh. Well, this is just another thing to figure out on my journey. 

Giving up

Yesterday was a bad day. I weighed in and had gained two pounds! I yelled and cried and told Cody I was done. I have been fighting this battle for 20 years and I am tired. Just exhausted of this back and forth, always thinking about what I am eating and if I am working out enough and then beating myself up for not doing those things. I am just tired. I don't want to fight anymore. For what? It is hard to see what is in front of me because I don't know. I don't know what it is like to be ueber healthy and skinny. No clue. I just want to give up and just no care anymore. 
But I can't. 
Because eventually I will feel the way I felt when I started this blog. I need to do this. I have to do this. I don't know if I will succeed. 
But I have to try. 

No Excuses

Working out has been difficult for me. I don't like driving all the way to the gym, I can't make it to the classes I like, I feel uncomfortable sometimes, excuses excuses excuses. On Saturday we got the final piece to my home gym, we bought a treadmill! Yay! I am really excited about it. I now have everything I need to get awesome workouts at home (4 sets of weights, exercise ball, yoga gear, fitnessblender, and now a treadmill) so no excuse not to workout every day. Awesome and kind of scary. 

Update: So, over the holidays I gained 10lbs (yikes!) but I have lost 4 of it! My goal is to be down to my starting weight by Valentine's Day, and I am feeling good about making that goal a reality. 

Progress, or lack thereof

I look at that tracker on this blog and I get sad. 0 pounds lost. I actually have gained 6 lbs over the holidays, so I am glad the tracker doesn't reflect that. I still have a lot of work to do and I think a lot of it will be mental. I have been bigger my whole life, so I don't have a "goal" picture of me looking hot in a bikini or anything (I had a YW leader who used a pic of her like at as motivation). I am at the heaviest I have ever been, so that sucks. I have known that when I am really stressed or right before my cycle starts (sorry, tmi) I have a lot of trouble with willpower. I am focusing so much on trying not to slip into depression or letting my anxiety take over that the last thing I want to worry about is working out or logging my calories. And since these things have yet to become a positive habit, it is still a chore for me. Chocolate makes things better, at least for a little bit, is what I tell myself when I am stressed/sad. That cycle is so destructive, I know. I have been it in for years now. Maybe even my whole life. Awareness is the first step, right? Sometimes I doubt myself and ask "do I even have what it takes? Am I just completely lacking in any willpower at all?" I often feel like that part of me is missing, like there is something wrong with me that I can't just put down the chocolate or say no to fries. Fundamentally flawed is how I often feel. And I know that probably stems from other issues, but I think everything is connected, I am a whole person and by helping one aspect I am helping the others. I hope. I don't think that losing weight will make me happy constantly, but I do know that how I feel about myself and my body is tied to how healthy I am which is tied to my mental health and vice versa. This blog post has taken a very different turn from what I thought I was going to write about. I am OK with that. For me, writing is very therapeutic. And so I accept (or try to) my imperfections and glaring flaws and try to do the best I can every day. 

What I was going to write about was a green smoothie challenge I am doing, a smoothie a day for 30 days. I get recipes emailed to me each week, which is good because I don't get too creative with my smoothies. Today's was amazing and I wanted to share the recipe:

COCONUT DREAM |  serves two

2 cups fresh kale (I used a spinach and kale blend)
2 cups coconut milk, unsweetened (I used sweetened...)
1 cup mango
1 cup pineapple
1 banana
2 tablespoons coconut flakes, unsweetened (I didn't have this so just left it out)

I always change recipes, so this is no surprise, but I am sure either way they would be delicious!