Another month, another BFN (big fat negative)

So, no luck this month. I don't know if I am just handling it really well, or if it is because I am just used to this by now, or if I have lost all hope, but I am really feeling fine. I kind of feel like infertility is just a huge part of who I am, I wouldn't know what to do if I actually got pregnant. I think we are going to jump ahead to IVF in January. I am scared, excited, mostly scared. I am so blessed to have people in my life I can talk to about all this stuff. So the next few months will be focused on the holidays and family and trying not to gain 50 lbs from all the holiday treats :)

Back in the saddle again

We are back to it! I have met with my doctor and we are starting treatments again. It feels like it is time again. Cody got a new job that covers infertility treatments, which is a miracle, so we decided that was a sign that it is time to get going. Right now we are in the middle of an IUI cycle. I am excited and nervous all at the same time. I want this to work, and if it doesn't then we have to start making some hard decisions. But I feel good about starting up treatments again, so that has to be a good sign, right? Hopefully good stuff is coming for us! I appreciate everyone's prayers, fasting, good vibes, etc. It is amazing to me how many people care about me and Cody. :)

This is getting real

I called my doctor's office the other day and talked about timelines for IVF. It is all coming up sooner than I thought. It is getting real. We have been saving for so long and I have always been "working" on losing weight, but not taking it too seriously. Or I would, but it would be in spurts. But now, I only have a few months until this might be a reality. I need to get working! I have changed my work schedule so I can workout, that is going well (most weeks). I have really just decided that I need to count calories again. Ugh. It is a chore! But I am 2 days in now and doing ok. It is so easy to just mindlessly eat. Cody is such a help in cooking at night, that is when I have used up all of my willpower for the day. He cooks and I can stay out of the the kitchen and temptation. I am working on it! I can do this! Yay! Positive thinking! :)

10K here I come!

I am doing it! I signed up for the 10k in October in Park City! I need to start training for sure, but I feel like the 10k is a goal I can achieve. I have run this race before, but the Half Marathon, it was lovely, but brutal. It started snowing at the beginning of the race. Cold cold cold. I am feeling good about the 10k. 
I have "fallen off the wagon" with my weight loss, but I recently have changed my work schedule to work an hour later in the day, so I can work out in the morning. If I get that workout in I feel I can make better food choices during the day. I have done this for 2 weeks now and have gotten a workout in at least 4 times a week. Compared to my practically 0 days a week, I am feeling pretty dang good about 4 :) 
My goals for this week have been not weighing myself every day (done good so far, only weighed in on Monday) and working out every day (3 for 3!). Starting small people, starting small :) 

The Scale

I haven't stepped on my scale for over a week. I know, that doesn't sound like a long time. But for me it is. Every morning I step on the scale and wait for it to tell me how I should feel about myself and my body today. Judging me for what I ate yesterday or how I didn't work out. I feel long ago I have given up control of my morning mood to my scale. 

I have been in the process of moving and work trips. I haven't even thought about finding my scale. It just hit me today that I haven't weighed in for a while and I am curious and proud at the same time. I have decided my own mood (ok, besides the anxiety from moving, that is kind of taking over right now) and I don't wait for the scale to tell me. I wonder what I weigh. Did I eat too much on my trips? Has all my stressing lead to some weight dropped? Curious. But another part of me is curious how I would feel if I just chucked my scale. I kind of know I won't, just cause I have a number I am shooting for from my doctor, but I don't think I would be brave enough anyways. I admire people who can eliminate things from their lives that aren't bringing them joy, but my obsessive need to know and worrying would drive me more crazy than a number on the scale would I think. But this hiatus has taught me that I won't break apart if I don't know what I weigh. I won't be thinking about it constantly or worrying about it. I will just go about my day trying to make healthy choices and then not judging myself each morning for the previous day. I can do that. I can let go, take breaks, weigh in occasionally, love myself and my body for what it can do! 

I can find balance. 

Starve your Insecurities

My sister Rachael told me about this site called Un-fancy (I am planning on doing the capsule wardrobe, that post will be coming!) and I was browsing through, reading a few things and I came across this quote: 
"There are plenty of things I don’t love about my body, but I refuse to trash talk my own body. That kind of negativity is poison — and totally within my control. The things I tell myself can either feed insecurities or starve them. I choose to starve the little bastards."

Sorry for the language, but FOR REALS!!!! How often do I feed my insecurities? Often. 

Anyone else struggle with feeding insecurities? How do you go to starvation mode?

Mother's Day and Infertility

This year I will be fine. I won't cry or think about what I don't have or feel sorry for myself. I have been telling myself this for weeks in "preparation" for Mother's Day. Anyone who struggles with infertility or doesn't have children for any other reason has probably felt this way. I thought I would be OK. I was OK until we started singing "There is Sunshine in my Soul Today" for the opening song and I just lost it. Good thing Cody had a pack of tissues in his pocket. I think I used most of them. In that moment I did not feel any sunshine in my soul. I just felt longing and sadness. An empty grief. I remember learning about this kind of grief in my schooling, but I can't remember what it was called (looks like my degree is really working out for me :P). But it is a grief for something that you don't have or hasn't happened yet. So you haven't lost anything really, but it is the lack of something that hasn't happened but you want to happen. And there was a baby blessing as well that morning. Man. 
But I had my cry (in front of everyone at church, great) and then I tried to put it aside for the rest of church. It worked mostly, until we were in YW and one of the Laurels taught about prayer and we read the "ask and ye shall receive" verse and I was thinking about that as well. I have asked and asked and worked and worked and nothing. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever have children. Maybe not. I just wish I knew. 
My mum came over for dinner and she always has a way of making me realize how great I have it without even trying to. I am so grateful for her loving kindness to all her children and everyone she comes in contact with. I hope to be half the woman she is someday. She is just amazing. No other way to describe her. It is so interesting to see how she has mothered me and my younger siblings and to see that even though you are awesome, there is still progression and change for the better. I am sure my mum will always keep striving to be better (how does one get better than near perfection? I don't know) and I will continue to learn from her example. 
I am also blessed with a fantastic mother-in-law, who raised an amazing son! I am blessed to have her in my life as well. She is so caring and always ready to help out her children at any time. She loves a good shopping trip (yay! Finally someone who will shop with me!) and has a great time being a mom and grandma. I am blessed with amazing women in my life (mum, mom-in-law, cousins, friends, aunts, grandmas) and am lucky to have amazing role-models to look up to. 
Until the time I am a mother, I will continue to have faith. I will continue to strive to be more like the women I am surrounded by. I will continue to be more like the mother I would like to be someday.