BFN

I wrote this on my personal blog pretty soon after we found out we weren't pregnant. The feelings were so raw and harsh. I still feel that way, some days I am sad, some I am angry, and some I am ok. I think the sting is wearing off a bit though, for which I am very grateful.

It didn't work. Even typing that is hard. I had such hopes that this IVF cycle would work. Cody and I spent time talking about baby names, I got lost browsing baby related pins on pinterest, hoping I would be using the advise/ideas soon. I started some bleeding the Saturday before our Tuesday test, and I just thought "really? now? after all this?" I hoped it might go away, but it didn't, it just got worse. I called my doctor and was told that many women bleed during pregnancy, it is fine. But I know my body pretty well by now, this wasn't fine. 
Even though I "knew" I wasn't pregnant, I still had this tiny sliver of hope that maybe it was just some other issue and I was pregnant. That phone call was so hard. To actually hear that "I'm sorry but your results came back negative" was a knife to the gut. Side note, I feel sorry for the nurses who have to deliver that news every day. 
I took off work and spent the rest of the day crying pretty much. As I was driving by my mum's office, I gave her a call, I needed a mum hug. She came and visited with me, which was really nice. The next day I was just angry. Why didn't it work? Why would God tell me (like, all people in general) to have kids if he won't let me? Why can some people who are terrible parents have kids and I can't? So much sadness and anger, it was a rough day too. I am feeling fine now, still sad of course, but I think the Lord has blessed me with a measure of peace. Not "I'm feeling awesome" but just a general feeling of calm. 
I want to thank everyone who has been so supportive of us through all this. It hasn't been easy and I am so blessed with family and friends who have been so supportive. When I think about the prayers that have been offered in our behalf I am amazed and humbled. 
So thank you everyone, thanks for the meals, the flowers, the prayers, the good vibes, the texts, the plush uterus. All of it. I don't feel I can express enough how much all of it has meant to me. 
We will keep going, keep trying. I guess. I don't understand why and I am not very patient. I guess we will keep trying until we feel we are done trying and take it from there.